Shifting Gears: Using both heart and head
Helping Lawyers Speak With Confidence
Someone informs you that they think Jane, your most promising leader, is about to resign. Obviously, your initial reaction is emotional – it comes from the heart. Let’s address it. Because until we address our emotions, we can’t effectively think through to get to a plan.
Look closely at your initial feelings. Are you angry? Guilty? Have you been exposed to the “why me?” syndrome yet? What feelings are predominant for you?
Once you have identified these feelings, take another moment to consider the patterns you fall into. Understanding these patterns helps you to see them as a separate entity. Patterns are not us. Patterns are things we fall into and can just as effectively remove ourselves from. But first, let’s determine what these patterns are, and which ones we often fall into when your feelings are hurt:
Do you hide, confront, deny, swing for the fence, become a rebel while looking for a cause? If you find that you fall into any of these patterns, - taking things personally - then let’s broaden the picture so you have a chance to reflect from a neutral stance.
What I’m saying is, refocus for a minute. We need to shift from our heart (emotions) to our head. If we can manage this, we can help others manage this as well.
If someone really is about to leave, they will do so because of their own issues. Even though they may say it’s about someone else, and we may FEEL in a way that leads us to take things personally, that person has made a decision typical to patterns that THEY fall into.
The one thing managers/administrators must do is offer the experience of guidance and support. Although we cannot change people, we can offer guidance and support. If we haven’t done so yet, it’s not too late to begin. People change their minds all the time. If we’ve offered this already but not connected with them in awhile, then do so again.
Find ways to connect regularly, discovering the goals of your direct reports, and sharing your own. Later, connect to guide them in accomplishing these goals and share where you are with your own. Offer support. Gradually start seeking accountability. If we haven’t connected with the rest of the leadership team to learn where they stand with their own challenges, we have neglected a major part of our job.
I have learned from Michelle Donnelly, expert trainer out of Pittsburgh (Pinnacle Training) in Adult Learning Cycles, that one of the first steps in engaging adults (direct reports or otherwise) is to check in on how they experience things.
The reason we want to do this is to understand where they are coming from as well as how we can help them experience things better for themselves. It’s most natural to start with engaging emotions: “So Jane, in reviewing last year’s progress, what do you feel you did well?” Ask Jane also, “Jane, what would you want yourself to be doing more of?”, “to be doing less of?”
This lets Jane connect to her feelings, her responses that play most heavily on her decision-making. And it lets her have a chance to voice things. Let Jane share her feelings so you don’t share yours. Once she shares from her heart, she must also share from her head. And here again, you will help her do so. Here is how.
After you have encouraged her and offered help and support, you can then give her a chance to pull away from her feelings by helping her shift to her head.
“Now that you have shared your feelings, Jane, step back for a moment for another way of looking at this. Do you see any pattern developing for you around situations like these?” This encourages a neutral perspective, a wiser focus on the circumstances she has put herself in. This slows down the reacting phase that plays heavily on our impulsive decision-making.
Jane now is using her head instead of her heart in reflecting on behavior patterns when facing certain circumstances, a concept that supports us in actions of redirecting, refocusing and planning.
Redirect Jane back to how she may approach the next quarter with goals using her strengths. Now Jane has heard you complement her while refocusing her on what she is good at. All you need to finish with is, “How can I support you in this?” This helps you enter the planning stage with Jane, giving you something to keep her accountable in. Once the two of you determine how best you can help, live up to any promises you make.
Jane’s decision to stay or go is now made after seeing your willingness to support her. Perhaps this gives her a better feeling of herself. Yet you have also given her a chance to use her head, her neutral ability to see the big picture. She still may go. Your job is to offer support of her in her goals. That’s it. You can’t change people. Simply approach them, engage them in sharing their experiences of how they feel about things, and support them by helping them shift gears to reflect while using their head. The outcome is always up to them. But the process of engaging them in this experience is up to you.
