Help them tell their stories!

Helping Lawyers Speak With Confidence

After another high-stressed week, one of my clients – whom I’ll call Scott, - came to me exhausted saying, “I finally told Beth, my manager, to limit the number of times she comes in to my office. She keeps complaining about her staff and I’m tired of hearing about it.”

“What happened, Scott?” I asked. For I knew that something just sent him off the edge.

“I can’t get anything done. Beth keeps coming to my desk telling me that her staff doesn’t listen to her.”

“Now wait a minute. Scott, I remember you told me that Beth began holding weekly staff meetings so people could share successes, challenges and then state goals. How are those meetings going?”

“That’s just it,” Scott answered. “She stopped the meetings after a few weeks because she got tired of hearing individuals gripe about things. After her meetings she kept plopping down in front of me, telling me how insensitive they were. Now she has begun avoiding them altogether.”

“It sounds like Beth may not understand enough about human nature and the need to express ourselves. That is, people need to voice their opinions – they need to tell their stories. That’s not a bad thing, nor is it necessarily anything against Beth. People just need to vent – which is what she is doing by coming to you, and what you’re doing by coming to me.”

People need to tell their story. No matter how it comes out, they must reveal their perspective, their feelings, and their fears. As managers, we must understand this human need and let it happen. We know that eventually people’s negativity will lessen, but this flow of communication has to happen first. It’s like a pipe that’s been turned off and starting to rust. Once it’s back on, sediment flows with the water, yet that eventually lessens and then just the water flows. To make this work, a steady stream of water must develop.

So it is with communication. The steadier the stream, the less the rust and the easier it is to manage and even appreciate the stream.

What stories need to be told? Those of struggle, those of accomplishment, and those of motivation. Managers do themselves a favor when – as soon as possible – they see that one of the basic ways to generate a stream of respect is to create a fluid avenue: help people tell their stories.

My meeting with Scott wasn’t quite over. There were a few steps he would want to follow to become better at dealing with Beth.

Encourage the sharing of frustration, while helping her create a plan of action to help manage the frustration.
Have the Beth identify the problem in one of three ways:

Having to do with communication
Having to do with training
Having to do with confidence

Help her determine what to do differently and/or who to get help from
Ask Beth how you can help

“So Scott, start seeing your management of Beth as an important responsibility, not as an inconvenience. Then she’ll see herself as valuable instead of as rust in the pipe. What you give her is ultimately what she’ll give her staff. Let her tell her story. Then you will see those are the key moments for you to respect what she goes through.”

We all stumble over letting people express concerns, fears and frustrations. It isn’t easy to be objective when it appears we are playing on defense. Take the offensive stance by using smart questions and a game plan of these 4 steps to manage the frustration. Soon you’ll have another story to tell – one of successfully listening while someone else was given the gift of two ears that led to a plan of action.